Hello, I Must Be Going Groucho and His Friends

Chapter One: "Hello, I must be going" Groucho did not grow old gracefully, because there is no such thing. It was an indignity with which he lived, with the greatest dignity possible. "Growing old is what you do if you are lucky," he said, and though any decline was a constant offense to his pride, Groucho mustered all his strength for what in the end had to be a losing battle. The Groucho legend, however, didn't age; it was frozen in time. TheDuck SoupGroucho was expected by some; others expected to find theYou Bet Your LifeGroucho. After one of his jokes you could hear echoes of "He's the same, he's the same as ever!" People didn't want to see their idol fall. If Groucho was aging, so were they -- someone else's old age is a threat to one's own immortality. Time may pass for them as it does for other mortals, but they are shocked to find that it also passes for an immortal of the silver screen and the video tube. Captain Jeffrey T. Spaulding, Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff, Impresario Otis B. Driftwood, and Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush are ageless, but Groucho was in his eighties. In his daily life, the most difficult competition Groucho had to face was competition from his younger self. His professional appearances, though happening until shortly before his death, were constantly diminishing in number -- to avoid growing old in technicolor close-ups, and because growing old isn't funny. Groucho had a perspective different from those of most of his friends, since virtually none of them had ever been that close to a century old. Health and survival became what was important. He gave the highest priority to remaining able-minded. "I want to go on as long as I can, as long as I'm in good shape, especially mentally." But he did not find the rigors of growing old or the supposed secrets of longevity to be a diverting topic of discussion. "Age isn't very interesting to talk about. Anyone can get old. Everybody gets older, if you live long enough." In answer to Jack Nicholson's "How old are you, Grouch?" he raised his eyebrows and said, "It's not how old I am, it's how I'm old." During Groucho's last visit to New York City, Betty Comden, Adolph Green, and Penelope Gilliatt joined Groucho and me for lunch in his suite at the Sherry Netherland Hotel. We gathered in a football huddle in the living room, glasses in hand. Groucho raised his glass of tomato juice in a toast and said, "To health. That's all there is." Mystified, Betty pondered the toast. "Is that all there is?" she asked. Groucho shrugged and said, "Vay iz mir." Adolph translated: "That means 'Woe is me.' What kind of a toast is that?" Groucho didn't even try to explain that for him the greatest luxury in life was being able to take good health for granted. While we were having dinner before going to see Juno and the Paycock, Billy Marx, Harpo's adopted son, asked Groucho what was the most exciting thing that ever happened to him. "The most exciting thing that ever happened to me was when my doctor said I was good and healthy." "I mean in show business, Groucho," Billy persisted. "I was in show business when the doctor said that." He also tried to explain his feelings to virile young friend Jack Nicholson, who couldn't really put himself in Groucho's house slippers: Jack Nicholson We ought to be goin' around the town together, Grouch. We'd have some time! Groucho You reach a certain age, and you don't care about sex anymore. You just care about health. Jack Nicholson There has to be more than that. You can still always do something. You can just lay around and... This conversation was interrupted by the entrance of nurse "Happy," whom Groucho always described as "the only woman who can put me to sleep." He was referring to her tickling of his feet, a minor passion of his, "one of the few I can still satisfy." He added wiChandler, Charlotte is the author of 'Hello, I Must Be Going Groucho and His Friends', published 2007 under ISBN 9781416544227 and ISBN 1416544224.