Dating for Dads

Chapter One Breaking News: Dad Is Dating! In all likelihood, fifteen or so years ago when you dreamily said "I do," you didn't imagine being single again one day. Yet here you are, unmarried . . . with children. First you need to refamiliarize yourself with the concept of dating, and then you need to prepare your kids. How does that well-known adage "See no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil" apply to the children of a dating dad? They see everything. They hear everything. They speak when the mood strikes them. Your job as a single father is to raise them, nurture them, support them, and defend them while also reading their minds. Children often act ambivalent, fooling even the most perceptive father into thinking they just don't care. But one of the consequences of your decision to date again is that their hopes of Mom and Dad reconciling are dashed, which is a tough concept for them to confront head-on. So instead, they conceal their feelings, feigning disinterest if you even hint about going on a date. They are not prepared to witness Dad with another woman, let alone his embarrassing love-struck antics as he falls under the spell of what's-her-name. The other reason they may hide their true feelings is that they think you'd rather not know what's on their minds. Clinical psychologist Dr. Paul Halpern says children often believe they have no choice but to resign themselves to their father's new social life. "They know that Dad thinks 'toughing it out' is the mature response. You don't whine. You don't complain. Just get over it." Because of this, it can be difficult for your kids to discuss their feelings with you directly. And if you don't broach the subject, neither will they. Yet while they may be mum about your dating prospects, your family and friends probably have a lot to say. When a death or divorce occurs, those who are closest to you usually are of the opinion (even if they are tiptoeing around the suggestion) that you need a mate. After all, you're a man-you can't possibly raise the kids alone, they think. Though you might have some new tricks to learn-such as telling your kids to sign you up for paper goods rather than cupcakes for the class party-you're sharp enough, loving enough and, ahem, man enough to do just fine. You should date because you want to, but take it slowly so that your children have time to process this new development in your life. Keep in mind, too, that while you are not a mind reader, neither are your kids. You will be considering the possibility of dating again long before they know anything about it, and the news will probably come as a shock to them. If possible, ease them into the idea by talking about it before you actually begin. Let them hear from you, "At some point I'd like to start dating. I'm not sure when that will be, but I don't want you to be surprised." Dr. Halpern warns dads that after a divorce or death of a parent, children need at least six months to a year to process the loss and the change in their family. If one parent is gone they need to solidify their relationship with the remaining parent. After they've had some time to adjust and heal, they will be more open to the possibility that Dad might meet someone new. Regardless of whether your children's mother remains in their lives, your role as a parent has changed drastically. You've taken on additional responsibilities that may feel foreign if you've always assumed comforting a crying child was Mom's work while disciplining an unruly son was better left to Dad. As a single father, you will do both. You will bring an openness and honesty to your relationship with your children that perhaps didn't exist before. You will do something with your kids you might normally avoid: you will talk about your feelings, and you will listen to theirs. And that will encourage your kFisher, Ellie Slott is the author of 'Dating for Dads' with ISBN 9780553384864 and ISBN 0553384864.